Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
