god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
