Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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