I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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