He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
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im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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