I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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