if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
