Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
