I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
