Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
