im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
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this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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