Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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