I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
