my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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