shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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