Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
