wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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