just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
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At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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