How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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