Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
