Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
