In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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