i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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