My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
