yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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