Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
