Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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