Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
