I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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