You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
