What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
