Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
