Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
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