Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The beer is more important than you right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
