I heard we made out
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude