No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
