There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
