Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
as a side note pls kill me
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