so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
