I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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