just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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