new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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