I want to make a zoo with you.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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