man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
