At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
