I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You are the jesus of drinking
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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