I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
