You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he shaved USA in his pubs
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
