Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
