those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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