Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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