I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
