I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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