the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
