I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!