I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.