Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Someone came in the potted fern
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.