So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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